Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship

Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.